The strangest thing happened last night: Curran was having a really rough time settling down to bed. Aric and I were trying to watch a movie, and had been interrupted at least three times as he woke up about 10 minutes after I'd put him down fully asleep. So there I was rocking him again, and just at the point where I might normally get upset that he was wakeful for no apparent reason, there was a cosmic *ca-chunk*. I felt peaceful, and suddenly I felt like a Mother.
"Silly Stacia," you might say,"you've been a mother for over three years now!" Yeah, but I've felt more like a young woman babysitting, compared to my image of my mother. There is a physical and emotional kind of presence I associate with mothers, and until last night I didn't feel that I possessed it. 'Mother' settled into me. I looked at my legs rocking the chair and realized those legs would hold children for years of reading and carry me on walks with them. I looked at my arms holding Curran and realized those arms would cuddle sick children and try to protect them when they got hurt. I felt like an anchor manifested for my kids, as my mother was for me.
This was a singular and unexpected experience, so I just thought I'd share :)
It feels good.
2 comments:
Sweetie... welcome to the wonderful, wonderful world of parenting. Yes, not all of us realise at first what we've done when we first become parents (it was about 3 years for me too, if I remember correctly).
But ever since then, I've been amazed at how much more I enjoy it year after year. Eddie once told me (about 6 months after we were married - and expecting Aric) to realise being a father was a life achievement. Nearly 27 years later and I in awe at the joy I get from posts such as yours.
They seemingly have nothing to do with me (as I am certainly not your mother) - but as my daughter (and I take great pride in including you as one of my own - even though society says I should tag it with "-in-law") - seeing you glow (and I sense the your glow half way around the world) is what makes my day, week, month.
I hope the joys of these moments continue to get better for you, as they have for me.
Thank you for sharing!!!
"Silly Stacia" indeed... but not for the 'lateness' of this realization... but rather because you assumed there was any timescale at all... Just lucky you, to realise it now, so that the understanding of that impact can colour your actions and add joy to your days!!
I love you!
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